Let’s love ‘em…
People are made to be loved not fixed.
– Jessica Honegger
Over the first two decades (give or take) of our children’s lives our primary job is to teach them about life, about living, about themselves, and the world around us. When they move into early adulthood however that window of opportunity seems to close up tight.
It seemed to me that this moment came exactly when they needed me most. They were navigating a scary world. The stakes were so high. They were making decisions about jobs, education, relationships, and who they would be in the wide world, when they suddenly seem to stop listening… to me.
So, I did what any self-respecting mother would do, I got louder. I added guilt. I mixed in some of my own experience, my own shame. I tried everything I could think of to retain (regain??) a semblance of influence. Maybe you have too.
It is easy from my vantage point to notice the things that may tangle them up as they walk. My own scars have brought clarity that they cannot see. I notice styles of thought that won’t serve them. I see inexperience and first steps and know they have much to learn. I see their interactions with each other and recognize these habits won’t build their dreams.
It’s easy to love the cherub face girl with golden curls. It’s harder to love the surly young woman that avoids you. It’s harder to love the one whose words cut and wound. I didn’t think my love was conditional until it was pressed beneath the crushing weight of my hopes and expectations and their own need for freedom.
And yet, on the other side of the grief and frustration, I am learning to just love them differently. To release them to their own lives, their own paths, no matter what.
It is easy to feel a sense of pride over this new posture of parenthood until I realize that I actually have no other options. Their lives are their own. My time of leading has ended, and whatever influence I now have is completely voluntary on their part. I can let go, or risk losing them by trying to control.
In truth, until we give up the illusion of control, I think it is very difficult to really love. To love freely, fully. I want to offer my kids the kind of love that is only found in the heart of God. The kind that changed my life.
This love releases its hold and loves even when it hurts. This is a love that has no limits, no requirements, and no bounds. This is a love that requires me to dig deeply into my Father’s heart, to release my fears, and hopes, and dreams… and let go.
