Self-care in real life…

It seems that everyone is talking about self-care these days. Women’s magazines, my Facebook feed, and Pinterest are all filled with messages about taking time to care for ourselves. While I understand the allure, I am skeptical about how these activities will actually help. Sure, I’d love a spa day, but it seems like most self-care activities are just another addition to the growing to-do list. They may provide a moment’s relief, but often help me procrastinate about actual shifts that might benefit my life. 

If I’m honest, I have often used self-care activities as a band aid rather than facing up to the changes that my life was calling out for. When I am weary to the bone, depleted mentally and physically, I often need good old-fashioned rest. I need the get off the ride and allow the world to stop spinning. When I am in full blown overwhelm, it takes me three whole days to even begin to come back to myself. Three whole days. The first two days, I spend swimming in the backwash of my life. All the emotions speed and velocity allow me to avoid, suddenly come crashing in. 

When what I really need is rest, a day trip to the salon for a mani/pedi will not address the aching need. Instead, it will allow me to keep going for a little bit longer. I have, on occasion, been able to string together enough of these band aids to keep me going for months. These little sips of self-care don’t actually touch the deeper issues of my life, but obscure the real needs of my heart. 

When my children were younger, I learned read their needs from their behavior. When one was away from home for too long, she needed to be pulled back into the bonds of family. She didn’t ask for this, instead she created chaos and turmoil all around until she had my full attention. We eventually learned to skip the chaos and jump right to the connection. 

Now, I’m learning to listen to the pattern of my own life. I am learning to be responsible for my own soul. The inner, immaterial part of me, that makes me a person. When my life is moving too fast, I can intentionally slow things down. When, I’m feeling depleted by too many responsibilities and too much time away from home, I can set some boundaries on my time. When my cup feels empty, I can arrange my life toward the people and activities that will fill it back up. 

All of these things, require that I pay attention to my own inner life, but also the behaviors that I know will not serve me well over time. It means I have to take responsibility for my wellness. I believe this is the basis for authentic self-care. It’s not nearly as sexy as the images the magazines are selling.

Sometimes self-care means: 

• Doing the thing I’ve been putting off, so it will stop weighing on me. 
• Saying no to things that I want to do. 
• Finishing the project so I won’t worry about it anymore. 
• Setting limits on the places I am allowed to worry… 
• My boss, and that weird lady down the hall, are not welcome in my shower, or my bed, or even past the second turn down my long driveway. 
• Having the difficult conversation in person, so I can stop having it in my head.
• Clearing my schedule for someone I love. 
• Clearing my schedule for my own well-being. 
• Skipping Sunday afternoon naps, so I can sleep at night. 
• Limiting chocolate, caffeine, and sugar
• Taking a walk to clear my head.
• Telling the truth even if it upsets people. 
• Letting people actions tell me who they are, and believing them.
• Limiting time with people who drain me.

And sometimes, it means a hot bath, a glass of wine, or a good book. But for me, it is much more than that. 

Are  you in need of some real life, soul care? 

The first law of holes: When you find yourself in a hole… stop digging.