Looking ahead…
When I was a kid, I remember being able to tell from the look on my mom’s face, what kind of day it would be. There were tell-tale signs for her chronic migraines that drained her and sent her to a dark room with a cool cloth over her eyes. There was the purposeful look as she took on a project, and would complete it, come hell or high water. There were days when her eyes twinkled and she had a plan for fun. In her face, I could see what to expect without a word ever being said.
These days, technology allows me to see her familiar face as I call to check in and catch up, even though we live thousands of miles apart. It is among my favorite things. There is something about seeing her face, that reassures me and helps me see how she is really doing.
Over the past year, I have been astounded as she faced challenges that over a decade would have been overwhelming, but she faced them month after month in a single year. In the past 12 months, she faced many of my worst nightmares.
Mom said a final goodbye to her husband, and buried both her mother and father in law. Daily, she watches the slow deterioration of her own mother who has slipped, past our reach, into dementia. When my cancer diagnosis shook the family, she came to care for me as I recovered. Since the Fall she’s been caring for her brother who is facing a dire diagnosis and challenging treatments of his own. In January, she began chemo treatments herself.
It’s been too much to bear, and yet she has. She has simply kept moving forward. It has been excruciating to watch and I can only imagine even more painful to walk this path. Although we are all here, cheering her on with all we have, and facing these challenges in our own way, I am aware that this year has been different for her.
In many ways, this has been the ordinary course of life for us. Grandparents get ill, and eventually pass away. Saying goodbye to Dad was heartbreaking and the loss for all of us is very real. For my mom, it was life changing. Over just a few months she went from the certainty of all that has been in their over forty-year marriage, to life on her own. The transition was jarring. In so many areas she has had to begin again. The banking, shopping, travel planning, car stuff, and even getting gas all fell neatly into Dad’s workload. She chuckles as she remembers, “I had a guy for that.”
I’ve been watching her move forward this year, as though I am cramming for a test. As I look ahead, I am aware that my path might look different, but if I am lucky, and live long enough, I too will face these kinds of life changes. I’ve learned some things from watching her closely.
Do your hair:My mom will never wear curlers and slippers to the grocery store, and because of her, neither will we. She is stunning with her white hair and edgy pixie cut. She dresses to go out and she taught us to do the same. No matter what. There is something about the process that strengthens and supports. The fact is, it helps to dress for your day and present a polished look. I’ll never have her sense of style, but I have learned the value of presenting a positive face to the world.
Take care of others:Mom has become my uncle’s primary care giver over the past few months. To say he is a challenging patient, is an understatement. Between his crabby response to her help and the confusion around scheduling, this has been a challenge. I don’t know where she’s found the grace to continue to show up even when it would be easier to just not, but her determination to care has been a powerful lesson in love.
Live in both: On the day my son married his beautiful bride, there was a family trauma playing out behind the scenes. Dad was very sick, in fact after flying across the country to attend the wedding he had to stay home. Watching mom walk through that difficult day and both celebrate and grieve was breath taking. She showed up and celebrated her favorite grandson, even as the reality of my dad’s grave illness became all too real. Watching her embrace both the celebration and the pain touched me deeply.
Family matters:Many years ago, on a very bad day in my marriage, I realized that I knew to the very core of my being, that I could always go home. The surety and confidence that that realization gave me, continues to resonate through my life. I hope my kids always know they can come home. And I hope my mom knows, that her unwavering commitment to me has made me better as a mom and a better human.
Mom’s prognosis is good and we expect to have many more years to celebrate the big and small moments of our family together. There will be new babies, graduations, family vacations, and lingering visits on both coasts in our future. I have much to learn from her and I am confident that we’ll be able to grow together for many more years. I have my eye on her, she has a lot left to teach me.
