What can be shaken..​.

Over the past several years, I stepped over a threshold of sorts. Turning fifty was part of it, becoming a grandmother was another, but really there wasn’t a single event that ushered me into a new stage of life. It was a swirl of events over the course of a couple of years. I walked into a life storm and walked out changed.  

I’ve been trying to make sense of the changes ever since. I don’t look any different. None of the externals of my life have changed much. But the inside of me is very different now than it was a few years ago. Sometimes, I don’t even recognize myself. 

I don’t think this process is mine alone. In fact, based on my reading, conversation, and research, I think I’m just on time for a midlife reckoning. One of my favorite authors, Brennan Manning describes a time upheaval as a normal process of growth in the life of a believer. That has certainly been true for me, but it has not just been my faith that has been tested.

This season of turbulence has shaken everything. What is left, is very strong. It feels like a strong wind moved through my life and took everything that was not entirely secure. What is left, feels tested and true. 

Boundaries: I am finally crystal clear about what is mine and what is yours. Instead of taking responsibility for what is yours, I’ll entrust it to you. I have lived with an arrogance that people needed me to take care of them. They don’t. Instead, I am learning to tend my own life. 

Permission: I’ve spent too much time and energy looking for permission. As a certified “good girl” I can assure you, this is a trap. In all the years I spent seeking approval, it was never enough. Now, I am simply moving forward, looking for the next right step toward my goals. 

Believing: Maya Angelou said, “When people’s actions tell you who they are, believe them”. So often, I’ve explained away people’s actions and been lulled into complacency by their words. This habit has never served me well and has been the source of a lot of heart ache. 

Enough: I’ve spent my whole life believing I’m not enough. On this side of the storm, I looked around and realized that who I am is about all I bring to the table. So, instead of apologizing for what I lack, I have decided to simply acknowledge that I’m still here and get on with it. 

Expectations: I’ve carried other people’s expectations like a weight around my neck. Now, I wonder why I ever thought their opinions mattered. I’ve come to a place where my own opinion bears more weight than that of the world around me. 

Manipulation: I’ve spent a lot of my life substituting need for love. I thought if I served my people well, they might need me. I replaced something I could control with something I needed. Love is vulnerable, being needed feels much more manageable. But at the end of the day, I don’t want to be needed. I want to be loved. 

Truth:  Standing in my own truth has never been comfortable for me. I’ve borrowed the authority of writers, speakers, teachers, and others. Finally, I am able to simply own what I believe to be true, and let others agree or not. 

Brennan Manning’s description of the ending of this Second Call rings true for me today. 

Second journeys usually end quietly with a new wisdom and a coming to a true sense of self that releases great power.  The wisdom is that of an adult who has regained equilibrium, stabilized, and found fresh purpose and new dreams.  It is a wisdom that gives some things up, lets some things die, and accepts human limitations.  It is a wisdom that realizes: I cannot expect anyone to understand me fully.

Brennan Manning, “The Ragamuffin Gospel”