Our vows, now…
This summer, we celebrated thirty years of marriage. In the wake of our celebration, I’ve been thinking about what I’ve learned in these long decades. Looking at the picture of our fresh faces on that June day long ago, it is hard to believe how fast the time has gone, but it also clear that we have learned some things along the way.
Life has had her way with us. We’ve been battered and bruised, upended by events, and left profoundly changed. We are the lucky ones. By God’s grace we’ve managed to hang on to one another as the winds of life have threatened to blow us apart.
Today, if I had the chance, I would marry him all over again. Now, however, I understand these vows differently.
To have and to hold, from this day forward:
When we joined our lives all those years ago, my primary concern was finding someone to love me. I wanted to be chosen, wanted, and valued. Today, my primary concern is loving this man well. I’ve learned that inside his tough interior, there is a tender heart than needs care. There is a little boy who needs time and attention, and an often anxious soul that needs help finding rest and peace. I am still learning to love this man. Somehow, as I focus on loving him, I am more and more secure in his love for me.
For better, for worse:
We have faced many kinds of better and worse over the course of our long marriage. We learned to fight for understanding, and for one another. We don’t always agree. We have very different ways of seeing the world, but we’ve learned that being together has made our best days better, and our worse days much less daunting.
For richer, for poorer:
We have lived through seasons of little and seasons of abundance, over the years. I think we’ve also learned that there is a richness to our lives that doesn’t have anything to do with money, and everything to do with both the state of our souls and the quality of our relationships. Our lives overflow with the riches that cannot be bought, nor can they be taken away.
In sickness and in health:
This vow has new significance as we’ve both faced daunting health challenges in the past few years. In health, we are going to enjoy all the goodness life has to offer, knowing that time is precious and tomorrow isn’t a given. We are also newly aware of the tenderness of this vow in the face of sickness and struggle. We’ve both been on both sides of the hospital bed rail. There are unique challenges, depending on our position in relation to that rail. We walk toward the future determined to make the most of our days together.
To love and to cherish:
This man is a walking contradiction. He is loving and gentle, and stubborn to a fault. He is a beloved member of our community, and just about the weirdest human I know. After all these years, he surprises, delights, frustrates, and annoys… It has been among my greatest joys to learn to love him just as he is. To give grace, to offer forgiveness and mercy, and to receive those back when I surely don’t deserve them.
Till death do us part:
When we walked down the aisle all those years ago, I thought of this vow as the forever part. I didn’t think about how our marriage would end. When we were younger, we often joked about who might outlive the other. Now, this is no joking matter. Someday, one of us walk on alone after saying goodbye to the other. We are learning to live with this poignant and powerful truth.
There are many things I might do differently if I had the chance to go back and try again. Marrying Keith is not one of them. Ours has been an imperfect life, filled with many the ordinary ups and downs and a few twists to keep it interesting. We have faced harrowing challenges and idyllic days. We have shaped and been shaped by the vows we made and the ways we lived them out. We still are.
