Imperfect gatherings…
When my kids gather around our table these days, it is a bit of a bumpy ride. The three born to us, could not be more different. Their personalities barely fit in the room. One never knows what will spark a yelling match (politics is often the culprit), a wrestling match (a tussle over a cellphone and a mysterious Facebook friend), or mayhem of one kind or another. We’ve had good natured (mostly) water fights in the living room, blow ups that send one or another out the front door, and just a general sense of excitement that underlies both big gatherings and small.
Once, a couple years ago, Brian joined us for family dinner in his boxer briefs. His hairy back was a sight to see and his favorite mole “Melvin”was on view for all. He has never seemed to be able to find a line he isn’t willing to slide across. Allie has never been known to curb her enthusiasm for the debate (any debate) that sparks her interest. Steph, as the youngest, is both a giver and receiver of crap and one never knows which way it will go. Although I am learning to trust their love for us and each other, my blood pressure has been known to increase as the three darlings enter the house. Adding two more into the mix has produced lots of laughter and a few tense moments. Not one of the five adults we call our own is a wall flower. How could they be?
A couple years ago, my whole family joined us for a rowdy New England Christmas celebration. The house barely contained us. On the first night, as we gathered around the dinner table, the conversation took a dangerous turn toward politics. Voices began to rise, as the tension in the room mounted. My mom, never one to spare her opinion, raised her voice and blood pressure as her frustration came to a crescendo. In the end, she christened a new cuss word and the room erupted in laughter.
My anxiety around these events seems to be on a downward trend. My new-found ease around gathering my people has come from a renewed sense of appreciation for this family. You see, I think I’ve harbored some sense of longing for an ideal family that never seemed to materialize. I didn’t mean to raise loud, bossy, people with big personalities and a rowdy sense of irreverence. Sarcasm seems to be our first language and there is little that we can’t or won’t poke fun at. These were not the family values I meant to instill. I thought I would have a family that looked more like a Hallmark Christmas than the one the surrounds me.
I don’t know where that idea came from. Neither Keith or I would do very well in a Hallmark family. Keith Boucher’s humor and wicked tongue would have gotten him kicked out of a nicer group. I can pass as one with polite manners and fancy ways, but I am right at home with this rowdy bunch. One of my children once told me that the problem with the people at work was they thought I was ONLY nice. My kids know the truth, these apples didn’t fall far from the tree. We can dance at the fancy wedding in Boston and enjoy ourselves immensely, but we also enjoy a good water fight when the opportunity presents itself.
An unintended consequence of this past year has been a heightened sense of trust between us. We have struggled, individually and together. Our personalities and habits have rubbed each other raw. We have had moments of profound frustration with one another, and decided, simply decided, to keep showing up to love one another. Not because it is easy, but because its who we want to be. I’ve watched the kids struggle and find their way. It has been harrowing and beautiful.
For me, all this means I can relax a bit. About everything. I am feeling less inclined to force us into a box that doesn’t really fit. I’m not going overboard with holiday festivities, and I’m letting them off the hook with comparison to the “ideal family” in my head. I am embracing their ways of being with one another, and accepting that their relationships are really none of my business. I will continue to work on my individual relationship with these fascinating humans and let go of my nervous grip on the way I want it to be.
So, when we gather on a random weeknight, for a birthday, or for the holidays, I am much more likely to just enjoy it. I don’t need to create a magical moment, it is enough for this imperfect family to gather and to spend time together. I can lean back and appreciate all that is good in this moment. I can let the rest go.
As you approach the holidays are you holding a picture of what you want it to be in your head? Maybe, like me, you have held out for a more acceptable family. Do you find yourself getting frustrated with your actual family, counting the ways they are not what you want them to be? I hope you will take a breath and notice what is working.
There are as many ways to celebrate the holidays (and ordinary Tuesdays) as there are families. Some days it’s homemade, others it is take-out, but any day my family gathers is a good day. No one really cares that the table is set just so. It makes me happy to fuss and arrange, to create a beautiful backdrop for family gatherings, but I take it too far when I then ask them to fit into my staging. My goal is to appreciate the weird and wonderful that makes up our unique group.
This year, as I prepare for holiday gatherings, I am committed to serving these actual humans. The “normal” family on the Hallmark channel can do their thing. I’ll take an imperfect gathering of my actual people any day.
I hope you will choose yours as well.
