woman jumping
Intentional Relationships

Trusting their fear…

When I was a young mom, with three babies in tow, I spent all of my energy chasing them down. I was always afraid they might get away. An older mom friend, recognized my dilemma and offered a sage piece of advice. “You need to remember, they are more afraid of losing you, than you are of losing them.” I laughed at these words, and looked over at our little Allie. She was willful and eager to explore, she certainly did not appear to suffer from any of the anxiety and fear I experienced.

My friend asked me to try an experiment. Duck down the next aisle, so you can see her but she can’t see you. Watch, and wait, she said. I did as she instructed. It only took a moment for Allie to realize I was missing and begin searching. I called to her and she came running over. She did have an innate fear of being lost, or left behind. This changed things.

From that day forward, I began practicing leadership rather than management with my brood. I stopped arguing with them about where we might go, and simply headed in the direction of the day. To my amazement, they followed. They didn’t always follow happily, or even quickly, but when I headed out they didn’t want to be left behind.

This principle can be a life saver during the “in-between” years of young adulthood. When our children head out in to the wider world, it’s easy for us to see all the dangers and pitfalls around them. We caution, we lecture, we scold, and we wear ourselves out. Often to no avail. It seems that they no longer listen to what we have to say.

I wonder if we might do better to step back and trust that their own fear is bigger than ours. All of us start out with insecurity and anxiety about how will find our place in the world. Even when it’s masked with what seems to be arrogance or laziness, all of the humans in my life experience a similar fear of failure, insecurity, and vulnerability.

The wisest parents I know, lead from a deep empathy. Rather than leading from their own fears, they come along side their young adults with compassion, understanding, and an acknowledgment of their son or daughter’s deepest fears.

It must be scary to get a final warning.
When did you realize what a bad decision this was?
I would have been terrified, what did you do?
I know how anxious it can be when the money is short.
You’ve never done this before, of course you don’t know how.
Yes, this is hard, but you can do hard things.
What did you learn from this?

Our young adults need to know that we believe in them. They look to us, for assurance that it’s okay to struggle, to stumble, and to fall. They hope we won’t hold their humanity against them. They long for us to remind them of their ability to learn, to grow, and to become. This path toward adulthood is daunting to even the most capable of our kids.

Living with this truth helps me step back from the lecture, the reminder, and the eye roll. It allows me to see my kids as just people, making it the best they can. We are all making it up as we go along. As parents, we want to protect and guide, but maybe what they really need now is someone to be there for encouragement and support.