How many for dinner…
Between 1988 and 1993 my life exploded. I married a dark-haired boy and welcomed three babies into the world (not necessarily in that order). Through all the years of turmoil and change that followed, one simple fact was a constant, there were five of us. We were too big for lots of cars, the price of everything was times five, there were more kids than adults, but the answer to how many… was always five at our table.
Over the past few years, the number has grown and is growing. First came the “others,” the girlfriend and boyfriend that have since been grafted into the family. Then, came the grandson and the second is on the way. Our family is growing exponentially. When Colton is born in March, there will be more boys than girls… to Brian’s great delight. The family is finally taking the shape of his boyhood dreams.
When our family was growing in the 1990’s we understood that there would be challenges and growing pains. TV shows, books, and little old ladies in the grocery store all warned us that babies brought change and challenges. While not prepared (who is?), we at least understood that this was a season that demanded a lot of us. It was hard work to grow a family.
In this more recent season of change, we were not warned about the challenges and changes inherent in this new kind of growth. Adding people adds complexity. It is as simple as that. Like the growth that comes with babies, it is hard work, it is fraught with challenges, it can be exhausting, and it is totally worth it.
While I’ve read lots of books about adding children to your family, I’ve never read one about how to add a significant other or grandchild. Nor, have I ever read about the ways this normal developmental stage in family life shifts and reshapes the basics of family life.
Recently, Keith and I sat with his brother and wife reflecting on our own experiences as young marrieds. Now that our children are marrying, bringing delightful new humans into our in-most circle, we see our own journey as a family differently. We wished that we had known then, what we are learning now, that this time in a family is challenging but that there are ways through.
As we’ve navigated these choppy waters, I am learning some things…
It’s hard and scary- The process of opening up the intimate circle of family life is difficult. It opens the door to ways of being, of doing family, that challenge me and make me feel vulnerable. It can be scary to let people who matter into your life with out the assurance that they will love you back.
My kids know my weirdness and weaknesses. They know that I don’t care about dust bunnies or piled laundry until someone is coming. What happens when they marry a neat-nick. What about traditions, or lack of them? It sometimes feels like my whole life is open to wondering eyes, and I’m never quite sure I’ll measure up.
Communication is key-Over and over again over the past few years, I have complained that I don’t know how to do this. I can’t find a map, or a book to tell me how to navigate the turbulent moments we’ve encountered. I wear myself out trying to figure out how to make everyone happy, manage expectations, and make it all fit the idea in my head. In a moment of desperation a few years ago, I exclaimed this exact thing to Allie. Her calm reply was infuriating, and true. “Why don’t you just ask us?”
Making the turn from mom of children to mom of adults has not been easy for me. I feel responsible for lots of things I have no control over, and I find myself feeling as though I must always find the answer. The truth is, they each bring important things to this family and together, we should be able to find our way through. Talking through the hard things continues to be good advice.
Relax and enjoy them-If you were to ask Tyler, about his most daunting moment with his soon to be mother-in-law, it would be the afternoon spent on the patio over lunch. Steph stepped away from the table, as I carried on the conversation. “What is your 5-year plan?” I innocently asked. For me, it was a question I would ask any twenty-something. For him, it felt like the inquisition. He has not let me forget it.
I have so many questions. I want to know these important people in my children’s lives. Inquiring minds want to know. I am learning that I must simply let these relationships unfold in their own way. Figuring out how simply enjoy these people, is a work in progress for me. I don’t need to know everything about them to welcome them into my home and life. It’s enough to love them as they are.
Focus on the relationships- I
Sometimes I don’t want to be with them all, I will instead focus on the individuals. I can’t control how they get along. I know, I’ve tried. What I can do, is spend time with them in less pressured ways. Breakfast out, manicures, movie tickets, or impromptu visits give us time to cultivate the individual relationships that support this family.
It’s not about them-For over thirty years, these three humans have been the focus of my days. Their celebrations, their dramas, their tragedies, and their triumphs have been mine as well. For the past ten or twelve years, it has felt like a full-time job to launch them into adulthood. They have circled in and out of the center of our lives in big and little ways.
Now, that they are all “launched” into stable lives, it’s time to turn our attention toward our own lives in a new way. I want to be available, and accessible to our growing family. I am also aware that the very best thing we can do for them is to take care of ourselves in every possible way. So, we are making this important pivot toward being a couple again.
I think we have made our way to some more solid ground over the past few years. There are challenges ahead, I am sure, but I doubt that we will ever again add as many to the family in so short a time. We are figuring it out, not perfectly or without tears and heartache, but honestly and with lots of passion, because that’s how we roll.
