Intentional Living

Focusing on what is…

If I throw a party and 30 people tell me they are coming, I will still grieve the several who say they can’t make it. If I write a paper and it earns an A-, I will focus on the points I lost. If I follow my fitness plan and walk two days this week, I will brood about the day I missed. If I am forced to choose between two good options, I will often pine over the one left behind. If I am appreciated and loved by five people, I will still focus on the one I can’t charm. The topic doesn’t really matter, I will inevitably focus on what isn’t.

As far as I can tell, there is no benefit for me in this. It robs me of my joy and takes my eye of the bounty and beauty of my actual life. At this point in my life, I am at least aware of this tendency. Although occasionally, I still chase what isn’t down the rabbit hole, I am much more likely to recognize the futility and make some other choices. Over the years, I have learned that there are some things I can do to pull my attention back to what is.

Identify the grief/loss– Often there is an underlying loss in my focus on what isn’t. I wanted the A and didn’t get it. My friend won’t be there to celebrate with me. I didn’t meet my goal. I am stinging from rejection. When my attention is caught up what isn’t, I am often ensnared by my own emotions. I find that unprocessed emotions always try and control me. It is only when I can unpack them and begin to acknowledge the hurt, the frustration, the shame, the loss that I am able to find my way free.  

Practice gratitude-When I am focused on what isn’t, I lose sight of the beauty of what is. Taking time to name my blessings, to focus my attention, and often my words on all that is right, right now, can be a powerful step forward. When I return my focus to the good, and good enough, that is already true in my life, I am able to regain my footing.  

Engage now- I can too easily take my ordinary beautiful life for granted. Instead, I want to appreciate and engage with my life as it currently is. Too often, I wait for some future reality before I am ready to jump in. I push off the very things I am most in need of. When I feel a pang of distance, I need to talk to my mom.When I feel disconnected, I need to make time for some one on one time. There is almost always something I can do to lean back into my right now life. Now, I just need to do it.

As you head into the holidays, are you focused on what is or what isn’t? This is a time of year in which our attention can become hijacked.We begin to measure our lives against unhealthy illusions and feel our lack all too clearly. It is also the time of year when we most acutely feel accumulated loss and grief.

Maybe, this year you are feeling the loss of a loved one. We certainly are feeling this in our family. I think it’s okay to acknowledge this loss, and leave room for it. Feeling the loss, doesn’t limit our ability to be grateful for what, is or to engage with our actual life. I think it is just another aspect of what is.

So, if your holiday season is not measuring up this year, it’s okay. You don’t have to pretend or move into full blown denial. It’s enough to make room for what is. Sadness and grief often attend our most important events. Broken relationships, poor health, and the very real realities of living all make their way into our lives.

None of us get out unscathed. Whether you are facing a difficult season or a rather easy one, I hope you will notice and be grateful for what is. Even in the darkest days, there are flashes of beauty and glimmers of hope. We simply must have eyes to see them.  

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