Life is messy….

There’s nothing wrong, really. I am fulfilling all the responsibilities of my life. I’m fine.

When I am quiet though, I recognize a persistent sadness. I often catch my heart longing for a different time… and yet I know, when I lived in that place I longed for a place like this. I’ve lived long enough to know that when my heart turns away from the here and now, I must attend to it. My emotions are a tool to help me understand and deal with my life. I do well, when I learn to listen to what my emotions have to tell me.

Discouragement is defined (by google) as a loss of confidence or enthusiasm. Yup, that describes my heart. Not big huge emotion, but a lack of zeal and zest for life, for work, for things that matter. I really just want to check out and watch Netflix. There are no huge challenges we are facing at the moment. I am simply in a season of change and I don’t really like change… unless I’m in charge of it.

Disillusionment at work –  watching the very predictable unravelling of work I’ve poured my heart and soul into. The grief of losing coworkers who have become like family. Frustration and a sense of powerlessness.

Relational disconnects –  I am mourning relationships that don’t exist. People I would like to know better have rejected my friendship and I am sad.

Lack of clarity of purpose –  wondering again where I go from here, but too tired to chart a different course. There is almost nothing I respond worse to than a sense of being trapped without a clear way forward.

I find that recognizing the condition of my heart is a huge part of the battle. Too often I just keep pushing through without ever stopping to check in and see how things are going. When I take a moment to just acknowledge my own experience, it helps. But it is not a good idea to stay there…

I once heard that disillusionment was a great thing because it allowed you to dis- your illusions. As I think about the illusions I’ve labored under, some of them needed to be dissed. In many ways I am naive about how the world works, but I am learning. I harbored some illusions about the work world, about power, about priorities, and about the limits of hard work and good practice. So, hopefully, I will walk forward with more wisdom and not allow bitterness and cynicism creep in.

When people don’t like me, I take it personally. This is foolish. I need to let folks make their own decision about me. If I’m honest, I am an acquired taste. Not everyone likes mermaids. So, I want to release my need to control people and wish them peace.

I must be a mermaid. I have no fear of depths and a great fear of shallow living.  – Anais Nin

When I look to the future, I lose my perspective. So, I am looking in the here and now for the next right thing. I have choices and I am focused on choosing well, right here. My hope is not in my path, or my ability to find a way forward. It is in the One who holds the world on its axis… and knows my name. I will lean against His throne to find my peace.

If we find ourselves with a desire that nothing in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that we were made for another world.  – C. S. Lewis

Take some time today and consider… how are you really? What are your emotions trying to teach you?

31daysThis is number 28 of a 31 day writing challenge. Please click here to follow the rest of the series. Thank you for joining me on this journey!

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